I Want To Play A Game
by OnkelJo
Summary: Jane Shepard is exasperated. Both Garrus and Kaidan are pursuing her, and their antics are grating on everyone's nerves. One day, she decides to use shore leave on the Citadel to resolve this quarrel once and for all... but not exactly in a way you would suspect... ENTRY FOR THE APRIL COMPETITION AT ARIA'S AFTERLIFE.
1. Chapter 1

**Written for the April Competition in Aria's Afterlife, for bluekrishna. I hope you all have fun :) At least I had, writing it :D**

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**Chapter 1**

"Garrus Vakarian and Kaidan Alenko, please report to the CIC. Garrus Vakarian and Kaidan Alenko, please." the Comm. Unit droned, resonating with Joker's best singsong voice.

Normally he wouldn't pull off coups like that, out of fear for broken bones, but today was a special occasion. _The_ Commander Shepard herself had decided that these two deserved, neigh, _needed_ an intervention.

Both males arrived at the same time in the CIC, both a little grumbling about missing out on precious shore leave on the Citadel, and about missing out on outsmarting their rival in love, which meant each other.

Little did they know that today, their feud about Shepard would come to an end.

Or so it had been decided in the Commander's cabin.

Joker himself was never invited, but a few select female friends Jane Shepard had acquired over the years had begun strategizing and discussing, and they had come up with a plan.

Jane Shepard stepped out of the elevator and strutted purposefully towards the two squabblers.

She opened up her omni-tool and seconds later, Garrus' and Kaidan's began chiming.

"This address. One hour. Go."

The two shared an unsure look before taking off as if a Rachni soldier was after them.

Shepard looked after them with an amused smile before putting her hand up to her ear. "Everything in position, Sushi? Marks are on their way."

"Sushi here, marks have just passed security. While we're at it: really, Shepard? Why did you give _me_ of all people that name?"

"I always wanted to give that name to someone, and it wouldn't have been politically correct to give it to Kasumi. So suck it up, Miranda, and keep following them."

"Aye aye, Shepard." came the reluctant response.

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_Almost exactly an hour later…_

"This is the address Shepard gave us?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

They stood in front of a giant warehouse, and it gave him the creeps.

This alley was shady. Not only metaphorically. They needed the flashlight app for their omni-tools to see anything. And above all of that, the entrance was locked.

"If you're not up for it, you can still go back to the Normandy." Garrus quipped, followed by Kaidan flipping him off.

The turian chuckled, but jerked back when the door symbol in front of him turned green with a soft ding.

"Scared of a door, aren't we?" the biotic rebutted with a smirk.

Garrus grumbled under his breath, no doubt turian profanities, and entered the almost completely dark warehouse.

They both didn't see the many pairs of eyes watching. Neither did they notice the gruesome machine lying dormant.

"Well, well… what have we here?" a loud voice drawled, booming out of the loudspeakers that were all over the place.

Both men jumped in shock, but they calmed somewhat when they recognized the distorted voice as Shepard's.

"Why did you let us come here?" Garrus asked.

"Because I want to play a game…" the answer bellowed. Then Shepard started giggling. Outright giggling! Shepard!

Kaidan was confused. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. Just some funny old movies I like." she said with a sigh. "But that's basically why you are here today. You two are after me, and it's grating on the nerves of the crew. Me included. This has to end. And it will end today. Or maybe tomorrow, depending on your… particular skills."

"Skills in what?" they questioned in unison. _There's not much in which he can take me in a fair fight…_ both thought with confidence. _Soon Shepard will be mine alone…_

"Actually, I have to thank Kasumi for… acquiring… this ingenious contraption. It was used centuries ago, back on earth." She paused for a second. "Sometimes, it was used to determine a man's value in her culture. Which is what we will be doing today."

She fell silent, and a giant floodlight illuminated what she had mentioned.

It was inscribed all over it's inanimate body, icons incomprehensible to sane bystanders, and above all throned the still dark neon sign with the dreadful words they would learn to fear.

**KARAOKE MACHINE.**

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**I doubt I will be able to finish it in time, but I thought it would be a waste not to post it. So here it is. Maybe I got a laugh out of you already. I certainly hope so ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all for your wonderful feedback! To assure this goes off without a hitch, I may have had to warp the timeline (and canon) "a little bit". So, without further ado…**

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**Chapter 2**

"What is this thing?!" Garrus asked.

"This, my friend, is a karaoke machine." Kaidan said without even averting his eyes from the machine.

"I've taken the liberty to add a few songs to the collection." the disembodied voice of Kasumi piped up. "Mainly turian stuff, to even out the odds."

Kaidan made big eyes. "But… but… I don't have subvocals! I couldn't sing any of those songs."

"Aw, don't worry, Kaidan," Shepard assured him, "this isn't just a karaoke machine. We can make dance-offs, too." Now you could even hear the smirk on her face. "And my female friends and I will be the judge of your dance performances. Isn't that great?" she asked with way too much enthusiasm for the taste of the two contestants.

Garrus furrowed his brow and nudged Kaidan. "How many 'friends' did Shepard invite?" he whispered. Somehow, they both had lost their overall confidence by now.

"We even got the best commentator we could get." the commander said. "Please welcome… Samara!"

"Shepard, I don't… I may have lived for almost a millennium, but the code never said anything about this kind of tournament."

"Hey, it's kind of like a duel. Surely a justicar knows how to conduct a duel?"

"Well, yes… of course… but I doubt these two men are quite familiar with ceremonial asari duels."

"Nonsense, Samara. Just tell the audience what is happening and what will happen and we are golden. I didn't make you watch those old 'American Gladiator' vids for nothing."

"No, Shepard. You ask too much. This is cruel and degrading. You can't ask me to be part of this."

Shepard sighed. "Fine. Anyone else? Jack?"

"No, thanks. I'll enjoy watching it, but hell if I commentate the damn thing." the former convict laughed.

"What about you, Rachni Queen?"

The two men shared incredulous looks. Shepard smuggled the _Rachni Queen _on the Citadel for a _sing-off_?

"We are honored by your proposal, Commander Shepard. The use of songs to find a mate has a long tradition for us. But we'd rather not be the one to comment it. This is far too intimate."

"Ugh, alright. I'll do it myself. Welcome, contestants, and audience of course. We gathered today to bear witness to the duel between Kaidan Alenko, buttchinned biotic, and Garrus Vakarian, rocket-eating former vigilante."

A spotlight lit up, revealing a sign with big pictograms on it.

"This, dear contestants, is the rule board. This contest consists of at least five rounds of one sing-off and one dance-off for each contestant. Should we have a tie at the end, the game continues, with sudden death rules. Not a rule per se, but old earth music yields bonus points with me."

Another spotlight illuminated a rather large wheel whose spokes were in different colors.

"We could have used a digital one, but I felt nostalgic when I got my hands on the karaoke machine. Let's spin the wheel of misfortune, shall we? Don't worry, no diaper duty on it." She chuckled on her own inside joke, but as no one else laughed, she rolled her eyes and just pushed a button that let a mechanic arm set the wheel in motion.

When the wheel stopped, Shepard let out a little laugh of joy. "Wow, we get to the good meat right in the first round. The first category is… 'Songs about Sex'! I swear, I didn't rig the thing. Who wants to go first?"

Kaidan and Garrus shared a look and a silent conversation. Every bit of confidence had been swallowed up by Shepard's game. In the end, they waited too long.

"Gabby, what do you say? Brilliant! Gabby here has an idea! The first to come up with a song doesn't have to start."

"Like a Virgin, by Madonna." came the answer after a few moments awkward silence.

"Bold choice, Garrus. You do know that you have to sing it, right?"

The turian's cheeks turned a deep shade of blue. This was a promising start.

"Now what about you, Kaidan? Drawing a blank?" Shepard taunted. They should know from the start there was no backing out now.

"I take 'You Can Leave Your Hat On' by Randy Newman." the biotic said with surprising confidence.

"Ouh, I like this one! It's perfect for… um, well, things I like. Let's leave it at that."

The whole building quirked an eyebrow, but was wise enough not to comment on it.

"Anyhow… Let. The. Games. Begin!"

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**Ugh. I hate being sick. This is what I scrounged up when I was still somewhat able to write. Now, I only made a little ending transition to the next chapter. As I don't think that I can finish it in time (being sick sucks), this or the next chapter will probably the end. I have a little ending planned that I want to bring in for the competition.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I apologize in advance for the bad jokes. Family dinner is never easy. This time, it inspired me to a chapter full of jokes that would've perfectly fit in at the table with my family. We're weird like that. I do not apologize however for pulling Garrus' and Kaidan's legs. This is their own undoing… cough… **

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**Chapter 3**

"Wait! I almost forgot to tell the pun I have…" She redirected a light and it shone on a subwoofer and a microphone.

"Please welcome our guest speaker and his best friend Mike!"

Silence.

"Well, it was worth a shot. I thought it was funny. Maybe I should pay for the next round in Flux, so you can all afford to buy a sense of humor." Shepard brooded.

"Stop with the dad jokes already!" Kasumi said and rolled her eyes.

"Well, since I'm a woman, I'd have to hook up with probably Liara or Samara to be able to tell dad jokes. Right now, I can only tell mom jokes, if anything."

Collective groaning.

"Enough! Let's get this over with." Kaidan said, rolling his eyes, and grabbed the microphone, almost violently so.

He hit the button to select the song and the music started. Most crewmembers had never really heard century-old human music, aside from the stray songs they could hear through the walls of the captain's quarters where Shepard was blasting her favorites if she wasn't on a ground mission.

Other than one would maybe associate with a buttchin, Kaidan's voice was everything but shitty. Despite his rather soft voice during conversation, his singing voice was rather gravelly, which was perfect for his chosen song. He even swayed his hips during the refrain. Silence fell onto the warehouse when the last note faded away.

"Well, that was a promising start!" Shepard's voice ripped through the silence relentlessly.

"But now…" she started chuckling. "What? It was funny. 'Butt now', you get it? Butt? Like ass?" Silence. "I give up. Garrus, you're on. Hit it! Like A Virgin, by Madonna."

The turian hesitantly hit the button. He closed his eyes and started singing. To the surprise of everyone, he hit even the high notes. Even Kaidan's jaw dropped during the performance. Slow applause started when the music stopped.

"Seriously, how did you do that? I didn't know turians could sing this high."

Garrus shrugged. "I was a few years in a choir with my sister back on Palaven, before I joined the military."

"Seriously?" Kaidan asked with open mouth.

He shrugged again and crossed his arms, eyeing the biotic defensively. "What? I wasn't hatched an adult. Even I had a childhood."

"Okay, boys. This all-female-and-asari council has declared Garrus the winner. One point for you. Kudos, I didn't think you could pull off a Madonna song. Impressive. On we go to the first dance-offs!"

The mechanic arm spun the wheel again, and when it stood still, laughter and giggling filled the air.

"Seems like you ran out of luck, guys. Did you think 'songs about sex' was embarrassing? Try your luck with 'Teenie songs'."

"I pick…" Kaidan started, but was interrupted by Shepard.

"See the asterisk behind the category? Learn to hate it. You don't get to pick this round." she said smugly.

Both Kaidan and Garrus gulped.

"What have we here? Perfect! Garrus, you will go first… with 'Never say never' by Justin Bieber. We even procured the old music videos to the songs. You can watch the video once to look at the performance, then we proceed."

Garrus hit the button, and groaned at what he was looking at. Kaidan cringed and almost felt sorry for his adversary. And, with this horrendous song already for Garrus, he didn't want to think about what was in store for him.

Once the video was finished, a countdown started on the screen, and when it reached zero, Garrus started dancing. With absolute no idea of human teenagers, Garrus proved that his waist was very flexible, but not much more.

Afterwards, Shepard started clapping slowly. "Okay… Well… It wouldn't have been that good if it hadn't been so hilariously bad. Granted, the song choice was a little bit cruel. But anyhow, Kaidan, you won't be getting away much better. My choice for you is… 'Wednesday' by Rebecca Black."

For that choice, Kaidan fared pretty well. He even did a little moonwalk, which was kind of ironic since that little mission he went on where the crew of the Normandy first met EDI.

"This round goes to Kaidan, I'm afraid. It was surprisingly bland in comparison, but Garrus was really bad."

"Rub it in, will you?" Garrus growled.

"Gladly." Shepard retorted. "Well, seems as if I, the inventor, sponsor, and main attraction of this event was just outvoted." she said with a little annoyance in her voice. "The majority thinks you both suffered enough, even though you're tied for first place, so I will now declare on my own who is going on a date with me."

There was a little feedback in the loudspeakers when Shepard left her small commentator's box and stepped out into the open with the rest of the ladies.

Kaidan and Garrus shielded their eyes as the lights slowly dimmed up.

"After careful consideration, and given the fact that you started fighting over me without even consulting me first, I choose… Miss Samantha Traynor! Congratulations!"

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**You totally didn't see that one coming, am I right? This was the plan all along, and I think I'm quite happy with the "final product". I hope it was a fun ride, it was for me. It could have been a little bit longer, but in the end, I can only say "Suck it, this was awesome."**

**Onkel Jo over and out.**

**FIN**


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